Well, i must say, it's been a rough day. I have been experiencing many changes in my life the since beginning of the year. Many of which i have been excited about such as: dating, moving out into my new house, making new friends, becoming more involved in Beta, trying new things...it's just been a whirlwind of fun and I've never been happier! It's just been so great to have all of these experiences that will hopefully, in time, help me figure out exactly who i want to be.
As they say, you can't have your cake and eat it too. The only thing I've been worried about, as far as moving out, is my church calling. Many of you know that I am a Laurel Advisor. I cried when i first recieved the calling. I didn't want it, I hated girls, every thing about them just drove me insane(and sometimes still does), i went to high school with some of them,what the heck was i supposed to do with them if i didn't like them?! Sure enough as soon as i got set apart, literally instantly, i grew an unconditional love for each of my girls.
Proceeding on cake, or lack thereof, normally when a person moves, their records move with them. Well, i was sure that mine wouldn't move because they have been with the Andersen's since i was baptised and i had planned to leave them that way. These guys are truly family to me, they've helped me grow so insanely much! i am so incredibly greatful! (i could write a whole other blog about that!) Anyway, my plan: Let the Bishop know i was moving but wanted to keep going to the ward until i was released, then off to the meat market...aka singles ward. But i would also let him know that i didn't want to be released JUST because i was moving, but that i wanted to be released on the Lord's time, especially since i'd be home every weekend anyway. Welp, wanting something doesn't mean anything. i went in to tell the Bishop that i had moved today, first thing he said before i even said anything was "So i hear you moved!"...and at that moment i knew it was coming. I immediately felt a lump in my throat, i kept telling myself that i was ok and wasn't going to cry(PAHA! WHO WAS I KIDDING?!) as we sat and talked for a minute. Finally, he asked if he could give me "council". Of course, i said yes(should've said no) and this was his council: go to singles ward aka i'm releasing you. And cue the tears. He said that there are many things i can learn from it, and that there are many experiences waiting to be had there, and just a whole lot of other stuff plus even a story about him and singles ward to comfort me and assure me that it'd be ok....it didn't help. He told me that this was my "official release" and that he is going to move my records. I have alot of faith in Bishop Griffin, i know that he is inspired and i know that he knows what is best for me. But I just can't seem to find comfort in that right now. I don't want to go to singles ward, yeah there are tons of great people...guys...and great testimonies...and guys...and more people my age and...guys...but i don't even care right now. I would gladly give that up to be with my girls, i HAVE been giving that up to be with my girls and i'm COMPLETELY fine with it!
All i know is, I loved my calling and my girls. Every decision i've made these past 15 months was made with them in mind. Would i do this if my girls were here? Would i be happy if my girls did this? How can i turn this into a mini lesson for my girls? Seriously, not a day went by that i didn't think about each and every one of them. They were my back bone, they've helped me grow so much. They are seriously the most amazing girls I have ever known, and now they're being taken away from me. Can't even teach my lesson next week and i'm honestly heart broken. All because i moved, it's so hard not to resent my new house for it. I don't even want to go back to it, i just want to stay here in Kaysville. I'm just sad....inconsolable. And it sucks. I guess it's safe to say that i don't ever want cake again if it's just going to make me sad. I found a quote today from Elder Anderson(no not my elder Andersen)
"At times, the Lord’s answer will be, “You don’t know everything, but you know enough”...We begin to see that “he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.” Our questions and doubts are resolved or become less concerning to us. Our faith becomes simple and pure. We come to know what we already knew." -Elder Anderson
I know that the church is true, and that the priesthood is real. I know that Bishop Griffin has counseled with the Lord and knows what's right for me even if i don't think it is. I know that i'm being a stubborn prude about it right now, and maybe even a little bit dramatic...ok super dramatic. but give me a break, it's still fresh. I love my ward and i love my girls. I have no idea what's in store for me next. One of my favorite scriptures is Psalms 46:10 it says "Be still and know that i am God" being still isn't exactly easy for me, i'm sort of a control freak. i do know that my heavenly father loves me, know's who i am and what is best for me....Just have to have faith and let him lead me. Here's to opening a new chapter of my life..it's all about faith.
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